The Oodles of Riddles is a collection of children’s riddles and jokes written by Lori Miller Fox. This book features hundreds of wacky one-liners targeting school-aged kids. I have taken some of them and presented in here.

(1)       Where do swimmers sit to eat lunch? – At the pool tables.

(2)       What piece of furniture will never learn to swim? – The sink.

(3)       What do you call the celebration of 200 year of shopping? – The buy-centennial.

(4)       Where does a store keep its extra clothes? – In a wearhouse.

(5)       What mall sells only knives? – A chopping center.

(6)       In what shopping center do you meet famous people? – The Mall of Frame.

(7)       Why are calendars so popular? – Because they have a date every day of the year.

(8)       Which month of the year do soldiers get most tired? – The month of March.

(9)       Where do dieters go for vacation? – Hungary.

(10)     Where does water go where it gets ill? – The sick bay.

(11)     Why couldn’t crabs learn to share? – Because they are shellfish.

(12)     How do you mail a boat? – Ship it.

(13)     Where did the fishes deposit their allowance? – In the river bank.

(14)     Why did the computer have to go to the hospital? – It had a terminal illness.

(15)     Which ruler is shorter than Napoleon Bonaparte? – A twelve-inch ruler.

(16)     Why wouldn’t the lightning bolt go to the storm? – Because it was on strike.

(17)     What happened to words when they break the law? – They get sentenced.

(18)     Who cleans up a judge’s office’s ? – The chambermaid.

(19)     What do secret agents invest their money in? – James Bond.

(20)     What type of courses pilots will avoid? – Crash courses.

(21)     What music do steel workers play at parties? – Heavy metal.

(22)     What is a thief’s favorite game? – Hide and sneak.

(23)     What do attorneys wear to work? – Lawsuits.

Source: “Oodles of Riddles” by Lori Miller Fox. Published by Sterling Publishing Co. Inc.

I am selling these Fridge Magnet collected during my travel. We could meet at MRT station for the transaction. I can also send the magnets to you by post with S$2 extra for packing and local postage. Just let me know which magnets you are interested to have. Buy 5 pieces and get one piece for fee.

(1) If you kick a stone angrily, you will only hurt your own foot.
(2) If you remain silent, even a ghost will not know.
(3) It is darkest just under the lamp.
(4) The one who praise me can only be my enemy.
(5) Even a rat’s hole can be reached by sunlight.
(6) A good start is half the work done.
(7) Although your aunt may be selling cakes, you will not buy them unless they are cheap.
(8) When he succeeds, a man praises himself; when he fails, he blames his ancestors.
(9) The soya beans in another person’s rice look larger.
(10) Boats cannot sail unless the wind is blowing.
(11) Glass and ladies are both delicate.
(12) Through hard work, even a beggar can get hot rice.
(13) One who chases two hares will lose both.
(14) A dog that steals will never grow fat.
(15) A lazy woman often uses her baby as an excuse for not doing house chores.
(16) The previous governor is always the best governor.
(17) When in temple, do as the monks do; when in a village, do as the laypeople do.
(18) The fish that escaped is always bigger.
(19) No one who has starved for three days will keep himself from stealing.
(20) While the newest clothes are the finest, the oldest friends are the best.

Source : “Jokes, Comic Tales and Proverbs from Korea” complied and retold by Chong Kum Fatt. Published by Asiapac Books Pte Ltd.

South Koreans have being called “the Irish of the Orient.” This is because they can be likeable, affectionate, passionate people who enjoy partying and imbibing.

Yet there is another side that prevents them from showing emotion or sentiment. For example, although South Koreans are always polite and courteous, it is sometimes difficult for them to express those feelings. It is therefore useful if we could understand the Korean customs when we are communicating with them.

Here are some Korean customs worth noting.

(1) Seniority and age are highly respected. This ranges from offering seats to elderly person on the bus to showing special respect for the most senior businessperson at a meeting.

(2) Married women in Korea who adhere to traditional ways will wear their hair in a neat, round bun, while unmarried women favour a pigtail.

(3) In Korea, males rules the society and women are usually subordinated.

(4) Korean women will be flattered if a Western visitor opens a door for them or practices “ladies first”.

(5) Direct eye contact is not practiced in Korea. In fact, it is considered as impolite.

(6) Handshake may be weak rather than firm. Any other body contact is avoided.

(7) Avoid first-name usage until invited to do so.

(8) Blowing nose in public is considered gauche, but belching is not.

(9) Avoid any action or statement that could bring embarrassment.

(10) Heavy drinking and even drunkenness are not frowned upon in Korean. In fact, this is considered a typical way to become friends.

(11) Social entertainment often involves karaoke singing. Even if your musical repertoire is limited, stand up and join the singing.

(12) When invited to a home, the hostess may be too busy to eat with guests.

(13) People, especially women, will cover their mouths when laughing.

“Do’s and Taboos of Using English Around the World” by Roger E. Axtell. Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 1995.

Rachel Stark, in a research done in 1986, found that during the first year of life, infants produce a growing range of sounds and begin to indulge in vocal play. These sounds will become closer and closer to the sounds of their language community. Here are the 5 stages of vocal development in the first year of life of an infant identified by Stark.

(1) From birth to 8 weeks of age.
Reflexive crying and vegetative sounds. This is the first stage of sound production of an infant.

(2) From 8 to 20 weeks of age.
Cooling and laughter. These sounds are produced in comfortable states and in response to smiling and talking by the caregiver.

(3) From 16 to 30 weeks of age.
Vocal play. At this stage, longer segments of sounds are produced which contain variation in pitch and stress as well as other aspects of sound control.

(4) From 25 to 50 weeks of age.
Reduplicated babbling. This is defined as a series of consonant-vowel syllables in which the consonant is the same for every syllable. For example, ‘dadadadada’ or ‘nahnahnah’. Reduplicated babbling does not seem to be used in communication with adults, although it may be a part of imitation games towards the end of the first year.

(5) From 50 weeks of age onwards.
Non-reduplicated babbling. In this stage, infants may produce vowel-consonant-vowel
combinations or consonant-vowel-consonant combinations. The components may vary within each series. Towards the end of this stage, stress and intonation patterns can be imposed on the babbling which give it a language-like ‘feel’.

Source: “Language Development” by Dennis Bancroff. Published by Blackwell Publishers Ltd.

English is a difficult language to learn as they are many rules to follow. However, they are also many exceptions to the rules, such as the following sentences.

The plural of box is boxes.
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, two are called geese.
The plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest of mice;
Yet the plural of house is house, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one tooth and a whole set of are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in plural would never be hose and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Laughter is the body’s response to happiness and comprises both gesture and sound. Although laughter is not essential to survival, it is though to act as a type of relief mechanism. Scientific evidence has found that laughter has many benefits for the general health of an individual.

Immune System
Laughter inhibits the ‘fight of flight’ response, by reducing levels of certain stress hormones responsible. This is beneficial to health since these hormones suppress the immune system and raise blood pressure. Laughter actually boosts the immune system by causing an increase in white blood cells.

Blood Pressure
Laughter lowers the blood pressure, while increasing vascular blood flow and oxygenation of the blood. This in turn aids healing.

Saliva
Laughter leads to increased production of salivary immunoglobulin A, which helps to prevent pathogens (disease-causing organisms) invading the body via the respiratory tract.

Exercise
It has been estimated that laughing 100 times is the equivalent of 15 minutes’ workout in an exercise bike. Laughter exercises the diaphragm and abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg and back muscles, which explains why people often feel exhausted after laughing a lot.

Mental Health
Laughter provides a way for negative emotions, such as anger or frustration, to be released. Ever since the pioneering work of Patch Adams (a physician who recognised the benefits of humour when treating patients) doctors have become increasingly aware of the therapeutic benefits of laughter.

Source: “Inside The Human Body – A Complete Guide to Medicine and Clinical Practice”. Published by Bright Star Publishing plc, UK.

Emily Elizabeth Dickinson (1830 – 1886) was an American poet. Her works were largely unpublished and unknown during her lifetime.

To my quick war the Leaves – conferred
The Bushes – they were Bells –
I could not find a Privacy
From nature’s sentinels –

In Cave if I presumed to hide
The Walls – begun to tell –
Creation seemed a mighty Crack –
To make me visible –

The Past is such a curious Creature
To look her in her Face
A transport may receipt us
Or a Disgrace –
Unarmed if any meet her

I charge him fly
Her faded Ammunition
Might yet reply.

The Months have ends – the Years – a knot –
No Power can untie
To stretch a little further
A Skein of misery –

The Earth lays back these tired lives
In her mysterious Drawers
Too tenderly, that any doubt
An ultimate Repose –

The manner of the Children –
Who weary of the Day –
Themselves – the noisy Plaything
They cannot put away –

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – Too?
Then there’s a pair of us?
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

If what we could – were what we should –
Criterion – be small –
It is the Ultimate of Talk –
The impotence to Tell –

‘Speech’ – is a prank of Parliament –
‘Tears’ – a trick of the nerve –
But the Heart with the heaviest freight on
Doesn’t – always – move

Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne’er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.

Not one of all the purple Host
Who took the Flag toady
Can tell the definition
So clear of Victory

As he defeated – dying –
On whose forbidden ear
The distant strains of triumph
Burst agonized and clear!

Source : “Romantic Writings: An Anthology” edited by W.E. Owens and Hamish Johnson. Printed by TJ International, Padstow, Cornwall, UK. “Emily Dickinson – Poems selected by Ted Hughes”. Published by Faber and Faber Limited.

Emily Elizabeth Dickinson (1830 – 1886) was an American poet. Her works were largely unpublished and unknown during her lifetime.

Because I could not stop for Death –
He kindly stopped for me –
The Carriage held but just Ourselves –
And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess – in the Ring –
We passed the Fields of Gazing Gain –
We passed the Setting Sun –

Or rather – He passed Us –
The Dews drew quivering and chill –
For only Gossamer, my Gown –
My Tippet – only Tulle –

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground –
The Roof was scarcely visible –
The Cornice – in the Ground –

Since then – ‘tis Centuries – and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses’ Heads
Were toward Eternity –

  ***********                     

It’s such a little thing to weep –
So short a thing to sigh –
And yet – by Trades – the sizes of these
We men and women die!

  ************

The Heart asks for Pleasure – first
And then – Excuse from Pain –
And then – those little Anodynes
That deaden suffering –

And then – to go to sleep –
And then – if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor
The privilege to die –

  **********

I was the slightest in the House –
I took the smallest Room –
At night, my little Lamp, and Book –
And one Geranium –

So stationed I could catch the Mint
That never ceased to fall –
And just my Basket –
let me think – I’m sure
That this was all –

I never spoke – unless addressed –
And then, ’twas brief and low –
I could not bear to live – aloud –
The Racket shamed me so –

And if I had not been so far –
And any one I knew
Were going – I had often thought
How noteless – I could die –

Source: “Romantic Writings: An Anthology” edited by W.E. Owens and Hamish Johnson. Printed by TJ International, Padstow, Cornwall, UK. “Emily Dickinson – Poems selected by Ted Hughes”. Published by Faber and Faber Limited.

When we tell jokes we are often intending to amuse or surprise by manipulating our listener’s expectations in a way which makes the punchline a violation of those expectations. Jokes are a special case involving an element of misleading information. More often in dialogues and in narratives, speakers are at pains to ensure that their listeners do not misunderstand or get lost. In order to do this speakers need to be aware of what their listeners know on the basis of the story so far, and what they can be expected to know on the basis of their sharing the same cultural knowledge as the speaker. As well as this knowledge, speakers need to be able to use a range of linguistic devices for developing stories and dialogues in a way that ensures their listeners’ continued understanding.

The ability to tell jokes is an extremely sophisticated form of verbal behaviour requiring both knowledge of language and the ability to identify and manipulate the mental state of another person.

Some Examples of English Jokes

The Queue Jumper

It was a cold spring morning in the city of London in England. The weather was very cold, and many people were ill. So there were many people in the doctor’s waiting room. At the head of the queue was an old woman. The woman was a visitor. She did not live in London. She lived in the country. She was in the city to visit her daughter. She wanted to see the doctor because her back hurt.

“If I get there early, I can see the doctor quickly”, she though. So she was first in the queue. She sat nearest to the doctor’s door.

An Indian came into the waiting room, and walked quickly to the doctor’s door. The old woman thought he was a queue jumper. She stood up and took his arm. Slowly, she said, “We were all here before you. You must wait for your turn. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ?”

The Indian answered : “No madam. You don’t understand! You’re all after me!” The woman was puzzled.

The Indian continues, “I’m the doctor!”

• This is a joke on culture. There is also a gentle anti-racist lesson in the story for us to learn. Many people think that Britain is a European country and all high occupational positions should be held by the Englishmen. Some people don’t understand what is the Indian doing in London. Others have asked why not we make the doctor in the story to be an Englishman. This is possible, but it will destroy the point of this story.

Banana and Milk

A man was running to catch a moving bus but when he got there the conductor refused him entrance and he was ……….. He fell off the bus and was run over by a car. The conductor was taken to court on trial for murder and was later sentenced to be electrocuted. On the day when he was to be electrocuted his last request was a bowl of mashed bananas and milk. The conductor had this bowl of mashed bananas and milk and the prison people switched the current on and it didn’t work, so they tried again and again the conductor’s last request was a bowl of mashed bananas and milk. This time the prison people put on a higher current but it still didn’t work and the third time ………. after the third time it means that they have to free the prisoner. And so they tried again and the last request was again a bowl of bananas and milk. And it still didn’t work even though they switched the power up higher. And the con ……… and they asked the conductor how he did it and the conductor said maybe it’s just because I’m a bad conductor.

• This joke is constructed in a way so that listeners are likely to think that the conductor’s choice of food was related to the malfunctioning of the electric chair. But for the punch-line to be effective, it is of course crucial that listeners are aware of the alternative uses in English for the term ‘conductor’, so that they would recognised they have been misled.

Joke based on phonetic patterns

Cow go moo.
Mommy go mamoo
Daddy go dadoo

Joke which has a regular discourse format

A : How do aspirins make ?
B : They make you feel better.

Jokes used to set up a linguistically misleading context

A : Do you love me
B : Yes
A : Do you love me to hit you ? Ha, ha!

A :Do you kick John ?
B : No, we don’t kick John!
A : Do you kick Jack ?
B : No, we don’t kick Jack!
A : Do you kick the swimming pool ?
B : No, we don’t the swimming pool!
A : We kick in the swimming pool Ha, ha!

Jokes of humour

A : What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep ?
B : I don’t know.
A : A woolly jumper ! (because the sheep gives the wool and the kangaroo is the jumper)

A : Please call me a taxi
B : OK. You are a taxi

Jokes from the Marx brothers

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thoughts, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come back.

A man and a woman are making love on bed. The woman heard the sound of her husband opening the front door and say to her lover, “Oh! For heaven’s sakes, whatever you do, don’t make a sound. If you’re found, you’re lost.” The man asked, “Oh! You’re crazy. How can I be lost if I’m found ?”

I hear they’re going to build a new eye hospital here. It will be a state for sore eyes.

A : Notables from every country are gathered here in your honour. There is a gala day for you.
B : Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don’t think I could handle any more.

A : You are testing my patient.
B : Why not you come and be my patient one day.