The Bridge of Anguished English

Posted on June 22, 2013 by The Traveller

We do see signs almost everywhere. Here are some interesting signs Lederer has found during his travel, taken from his book “The Bridge of Anguished English”.

In a Winston-Salem, North Carolina restaurant – Shoes are required to eat inside.
Outside a Cardiff, California restaurant – Help keep the birds healthy. Don’t feed them restaurant food.
In a Brooklyn barbershop window – During construction we will shave you in the rear.
On a newspaper rack in Melville, New York – Please pay for newspapers before being taken.
Outside a Grand Rapids furniture store – We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship.
Sign outside Phoenix racecourse – Live Horse Racing Today.
Outside a Van Nuys, California gift shop – Live Artificial Trees.
In a Detroit restaurant – Toilet out of order. Please use the floor below.
In a Bar Harbor, Maine, restaurant – Open seven days a week and weekends.
In an Orlando Safari park – Elephants Please Stay in Your Car.
On the wall of a Vancouver cleaning service – Able to do the worst possible job.
Attached to a chair in a Toronto hardware store – Are your bottoms sagging? We provide a caning service.
In a British Laundromat – Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
On many WCs in London – Ladies, Gentlemen & Disabled Toilets.
Outside a secondhand shop in Bath – We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
In a health food shop window – Closed due to illness.
In a dry cleaner’s window – Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a London dance hall – Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town, Everyone welcome.
On the fence of a rural farm – The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
In a Manchester shop – Customers should note that any complaints of incivility on the part of our staff will be severely deal with.
A sign in Cairo, Egypt, advertises a donkey ride for tourists – Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Finally, here is a is a response to inquiries for accommodations abroad- Dear Madam, I am honorable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I have. I can though give you a washing, with pleasure, in a most clean spring with on one to see. I insist that you will like this.

Source : “The Bridge of Anguished English” by Richard Lederer. Published by St. Mattin’s Press. N.Y. USA.

Lost in Translation

Posted on May 5, 2013 by The Traveller

Someone at the United Nation once fed a common English saying into a translating computer. The machine was asked to translate the statement into Chinese, then into French, and finally back into English. The adage chosen was “Out of sight, out of mind. ” What came back was “Invisible insane.”

A similar computer was given the task of translating into Russian and then back to English the bromide “The spirit is willing, but the fresh is weak.” The result was “The wine is good but the meat is spoiled.”

What’s wrong with the translation? “Out of sight” does mean invisible and “out of mind” does mean insane. “Spirit” does mean wine and “flesh” does mean meat? Well, some sort of correct.

English has been recognized as the international lingua franca and people have begun adopting English for the benefits of visitors. Here are some examples of other languages that have been translated into English and lost the original intended meanings.

In a Tokyo hotel : Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room : Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a hotel in Athens : Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11a.m. daily.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across a Russian Orthodox monastery : You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant : Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s : Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Rhodes tailor shop : Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
In a Rome laundry : Ladies, leave your clothes here are spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency : Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand : Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In the window of a Swedish furrier : Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
In a Swiss mountain inn : Special today – no ice cream.
In a Norwegian cocktails lounge : Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo : Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In a office of a Roman doctor : Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Acapulco hotel : The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Source : Anguished English (Anniversary Edition!) – An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language by Richard Lederer. Published by Wyrick & Company, Charleston, South Carolina, USA.

Anguished English

Posted on May 5, 2013 by The Traveller

Sometimes there are more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than we can find in cartoons and comic strips. Here are some ads taken from “Anguished English” by Richard Lederer for you to have a good laugh.

For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with think legs and large drawers.
A superb and inexperience restaurant: Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruits and produce at night.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tried of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings: Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas: Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Wanted! Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Source : Anguished English by Richard Lederer

Language Variation

Posted on March 29, 2013 by The Traveller

There are vocabulary differences in the varieties spoken in different regions. Australians talk about sole parents while people in England can them single parents, and New Zealanders call them solo parents. South Africans use the term robot for British traffic light. British wellies (Wellington boots) are New Zealand gummies (gumboots), while the word togs refers to very different types of clothes in different places. In New Zealand togs are what you swim in. In Britain one might wear them to a formal dinner.

The following questions provide a simple way to check out variations of American vs. British influence on the vocabulary we use.

When you go window-shopping do you walk on the pavement or the sidewalk?
Do you put your shopping in the car’s trunk or in the boot?
When the car’s engine needs oil do you open the bonnet or the hood?
Do you fill up the car with gas or with petrol?
When it is cold do you put on a jersey or a sweater?
When the baby is wet does it need a dry diaper or nappy?
Do you get to the top of the building in an elevator or a lift?
When the children are happy do you open a can or a tin of beans?
When you go on holiday do you take luggage or baggage?
When you’ve made an error do you remove it with an eraser or a rubber?

Pronunciation and vocabulary differences are probably the differences people are most aware of between dialects of English, but there are grammatical differences too. The following are some preferred American from the traditional British usages.

Americans prefer to use “do you have” while British use “have you got”
Americans say “gotten” when people in England use “got”
Americans use “dove” while most English speakers prefer “dived”
Americans ask “did you eat?” While the English ask “have you eaten?”

Source: “An Introduction o Sociolinguistics” by Janet Holmes. Published by Pearson Education Limited.

English Translations

Posted on March 29, 2013 by The Traveller

Those who have travelled to the non-English speaking countries might have encountered some amusing English translations. There are some English translations Roger Axtell has encountered while traveling round the world.

In a Japanese hotel – You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a Swiss hotel – Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Turkish hotel – Because of fallibility in our phone system, for room services step outside your door and shoot “ROOM SERVICE”.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby – The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Bucharest hotel elevator – To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If cabin should enter more persons, each one should a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Japanese hotel (instruction for using the room air conditioner) – Coolers and Heaters : If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From the Soviet Weekly – There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

On the menu of a Polish hotel – Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose, beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo – When passenger of foot have in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

According to a professor at the University of Sonora in Hermosillo, Mexico, a 1993 Spanish version of the Arizona driver’s license manual contained these statements :

Drivers must attend the funeral wakes of children.
Drivers who have donated their eyes, hearts and other organs may ask to have their organs returned to them at any time.
Drivers must ensure that infants are constructed to certain specifications.

Source : “Do’s and Taboos of Using English Around the World” by Roger E. Axtell. Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

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The Bridge of Anguished English

Lost in Translation

Anguished English

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English Translations