Anguished English

Sometimes there are more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than we can find in cartoons and comic strips. Here are some ads taken from “Anguished English” by Richard Lederer for you to have a good laugh.

  • For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with think legs and large drawers.
  • A superb and inexperience restaurant: Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
  • Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
  • Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!
  • Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruits and produce at night.
  • Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
  • We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
  • Tried of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
  • Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
  • Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.
  • Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
  • Sheer stockings: Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
  • Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.
  • For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
  • Man, honest. Will take anything.
  • Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
  • Christmas tag-sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
  • Modular Sofas: Only $299. For rest or fore play.
  • Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
  • Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
  • Illiterate? Write today for free help.
  • Wanted! Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Source : Anguished English by Richard Lederer

English Translations

Those who have travelled to the non-English speaking countries might have encountered some amusing English translations. There are some English translations Roger Axtell  has encountered while traveling round the world.

 In a Japanese hotelYou are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a Swiss hotelBecause of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

 In a Turkish hotelBecause of fallibility in our phone system, for room services step outside your door and shoot “ROOM SERVICE”.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby – The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Bucharest hotel elevatorTo move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If cabin should enter more persons, each one should a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

 In a Japanese hotel (instruction for using the room air conditioner) – Coolers and Heaters : If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From the Soviet WeeklyThere will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

 On the menu of a Polish hotelSalad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose, beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

 From a brochure of a car rental firm in TokyoWhen passenger of foot have in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

According to a professor at the University of Sonora in Hermosillo, Mexico, a 1993 Spanish version of the Arizona driver’s license manual contained these statements :

  • Drivers must attend the funeral wakes of children.
  • Drivers who have donated their eyes, hearts and other organs may ask to have their organs returned to them at any time.
  • Drivers must ensure that infants are constructed to certain specifications.

 Source :  “Do’s and Taboos of Using English Around the World” by Roger E. Axtell. Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 

English around the World

English is a universal language. Even in the non-English speaking countries, people are using English as a communication tool for business, travel, culture exchange, tourism and other purposes. Here are some English taken from a book, written by Jane O’Boyle, about the English she has found around the world during her travel. See whether you are able to understand the meanings of these English words. Some of them are really good.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

At a Belgrade hotel: Restauroom open daily.

At a Nairobi market: Water fountain for humans only.

In a Hong Kong tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

At a doctor’s office in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.

At a museum in Madrid: Children Must Enter with parrots Only.

At a Barcelona café: MISS TOILET LEFT. MISTER TOILET DOWN.

On a box of Christmas lights made in China: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese computer software manual: Hit mouth two lines in rapid succession. Move mouth so curser will appear on monitor.

On the wrapper of a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

Consumer advisory on a package of English bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On a little bag of airline peanuts: Instructions: Open packets, eat nuts.

On a full-sized package of peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On a hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

Sign at an American military base: Restricted to unauthorised personnel.

At a California restaurant: Open 365 days a year (closed on Thanksgiving)

At a Detroit savings and loan: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a Miami hospital maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a Kentucky clothing store: Wonderful bargins for men with 16 and 17 necks.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

At an Ohio shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Sign on a New York City clothing shop: Second floor. Upstairs.

In a Hong Kong bar: Free drinks for ladies with nuts.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are suggested not to have children in the bar.

In a Paris guidebook: To call a broad from France, first dial 00, than the country’s code and the your number.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

At a Seoul hotel desk: Choose a twin bed or marriage size; we regret no King Kong size.

At a Singapore restaurant: Eat in or take Off.

On a Greek fishing pier: No hooking.

On a Mediterranean cruise shop: DO NOT LEAN ON THE WIDOW.

At a Calcutta hotel desk: Weather Today – Sun or Rain.

At a French cafeteria: Service Self – First Take Plate Form Here.

At a Turin pension: We are not responsive to your valuable losses unless they are in hotel safe.

At a Mexico City hotel: MAD SERVICE DAILY 8 TO 12.

Source : “Free Drinks For Ladies with Nuts” by Jane O’Boyle. Published by the Penguin Group.